Why I Never Finished College

I don't have a degree. There, I said it.  This is the thing I am most ashamed of in my life and as such I find this a difficult subject to discuss.  Usually when someone asks I just say something dismissive like "Oh, life got in the way!" and attempt to change the subject because I know I'm being judged harshly.  

I've read "Stuff White People Like".  I know how much emphasis society (specifically the leftist, NPR listening part of society that is outlined in "Stuff White People Like" which is the part of society in which I reluctantly include myself) places on having a degree.  Even if the degree has NOTHING to do with one's current job, having a degree puts them in a much higher echelon.  I admit to coveting said echelon.  

Where I work, anyone with a PhD is automatically seen as untouchable, even if said PhD is in Russian poetry or something else that has nothing to do with our business.  "She has a PhD so you know she knows what she's doing."  Really?  Since when does a PhD in French philosophy give someone the edge in the insurance world?  

But I digress.  

I am very, VERY ashamed of not having a degree.  I'm sure everyone agrees with me that I SHOULD be ashamed of this, but I think everyone would be surprised by my reasons behind my shame.  Surely the likely conclusion is that I feel bad because I am stupid and/or flunked out because I'm just not smart enough and therefore am just another reality TV watching idiot who doesn't read.  It's actually much more complicated.  

Every reason I have for not finishing college has to do with a personality trait about myself that I absolutely hate.  All of my bad traits and habits came to a head around 1998 to create this perfect storm of complete and utter failure.  And by failure I mean my failure to finish, not failing classes.  Did I have a 4.0 GPA?  No.  Was I struggling?  Yes.  Did I flunk out?  No.  Could I have done better?  Of course.  So why didn't I finish?  As I stated previously, the reason is a complicated web of personal issues, which I will now list. 

1-I am not good at finishing things.

I'm not.  I often leave projects unfinished or get distracted by something new.  I also find that when I'm about 64% through something, I realize, usually too late, that I really don't care for what I'm doing and as such, I don't wish to continue.  This is one of my greatest faults.  I will see anything through to the end if I am doing something for someone else, for example a work project or a favor for a friend.  But when it comes to doing something for myself, I'm really good at rationalizing my way into moving on to something else.  This was a major issue in my college life.  I had 3 majors in 3 years, and the reason I changed so often is because I'd get involved and start to dislike my course of study.  Sometimes it was the subject matter, other times, it was the other people around me.  Which leads to the next factor in my web of fail.  

2-I am very uncomfortable around other people to the point where I am often paralyzed.  

This was a big one since I went to The Ohio State University.  When you are afraid of social situations or other various forms of human interaction, a school of 55,000 people is extremely intimidating.  Why did I not simply choose a smaller school seems like the logical follow up question to this one.  I've thought about this, and after visiting friends who were attending small schools, I realized that a small school would have been EVEN WORSE for me in regards to my issue with people.  At least in a sea of 55,000 you can blend into the background on occasion and simply survive on your academic achievements.  But in a small school, everyone sees you all the time and you become even more of the weirdo who doesn't hang out with anyone.  At a big school, you can show up, do your thing, interact with your professor during office hours, then leave.  This could have been a perfect way for me to operate, but I was too scared to do even that.  College scared me.  I was even too scared to go to one of those support groups for students who were not adjusting well to college life.  As such I was a bad study group member, and I did not get involved in anything and made NO friends.  Seriously, I have NO friends from college.  I have friends I made while I was IN college, but these are not friends FROM college.  

A former friend also went to OSU and joined all kinds of groups and just loved it.  Every time she talked about them I thought about how much I would not fit in to these groups and how it would be a hellish experience if I tried to join things.  Part of my discomfort is the fact that I really don't fit in anywhere.  I'm always the weirdo, and I've been asked to stop hanging around or to please quietly remove myself from club membership.  As such, I'm so scared all the time when I'm around other people.  I'm afraid of being rejected, and I'm afraid of looking like an idiot.  I'm also afraid of coming off as too needy or trying too hard, because I really do WANT friends and adore the people I consider friends.  I'd hate to lose them or be told not to come around anymore, so this leaves me too scared to try.  College was no different, and as such, I did not fit in with the proper groups and societies.  Turns out college is as much about learning to network as it is doing good work.  I was unaware of this and as such was left behind or unnoticed. Another black mark against me.  

3-I am bad with money.

There really isn't much more to say about this.  I suck at managing money.  Therefore, I screwed myself out of being able to pay tuition.  End of story.  Learn from my fail and stay the fuck away from those people giving away free shirts if you sign up for a high interest credit card.  Walk right by them as if they are invisible.  Don't even talk to them.  

4-I have no dream worthy of focus. 

I am kind of good at a lot of things.  But again, we're back to that 64% completion rate issue.  I've never really had anything that I've been obsessed with, so I've never been notably proficient at something.  My husband came to the conclusion that he wanted to draw for a living at the age of 11.  He now draws for a living.  The only conclusion I came to at age 11 that stuck with me was that Prince rocks.  I don't have anything that causes that burning drive in my gut.  I once thought my dream job was to be a Muppeteer, but even THAT lost it's luster when I learned of the right arm apprenticeship.  I am easily disheartened by the reality of dreams, and as such my dreams are easily abandoned. 

5-I am mediocre.

I am very mediocre, and that is the cold hard truth that makes me so sad I want to lie down.   Homer said it best - "No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you".  That is of course, Homer Simpson. Although, "Life is largely a matter of expectation" works in this situation too.  I expect a lot from myself, and rarely deliver up to my expectations.  As such, I'm often disappointed and ashamed.  

Part of what makes me mediocre is the lack of obsessive focus.  I'm too much of a Jacqueline Of All Trades.  Tom Wiebell once said to me about himself, "I know enough to be dangerous".  In my case, I know enough to talk to anyone at any time, and I'm always willing to learn, but I'm not an expert in anything.  No, not even Pez.  

I've also been cursed with aptitudes that are the opposite of my interests.  I love music and literature, but my brain is better wired for mathematical and scientific study, which bored me as a kid.  It's totally screwed up.  I have since opened my mind more to the idea of embracing my left brain and filling my head with scientific knowledge, but I'm a bit late to the party.  That's where pig-headed youthfulness gets you, kids.  If I've learned anything from this, it is to be true to my nature.  

Long story short, I could no longer afford to continue with something terrifying on which I had difficulty focusing.  Perhaps one could make the argument that a lack of focus also denotes a lack of intelligence, however I heartily disagree with that assumption.  I rarely struggled with the understanding of material in college.  The struggle was with the process.  I have grown as a person since my time in college, and I think were I to go back now this would be much less of a struggle.  I've been living in the world for a long time, and have learned to venture outside of my own bubble and face my fears when necessary.  I now know how to play a game that doesn't always have the kind of rules I would prefer.  And, I know the value of a lesson learned that wasn't necessarily on the syllabus.  

So, why don't I go back, you ask?  See #3. 

Why I will never make my own Hostess anything

Hostess is calling it quits.  Or maybe not, who knows.  Apparently the shutdown is on hold, so we'll see.  I think I'll wait for the official word from Twinkie the Kid.

Regardless of what is in store for the future of the Hostess company, people are finding many ways to cope with the noticeable lack of snack cake goodness.  Some people are hoarding them (seriously, check out a Hostess display at your local grocery/convenience store - it looks like the milk selection after a nor'easter is announced), some are selling them on eBay, and some people are finding recipes on the internet on how to make their own cupcakes or Twinkies or Ho-Hos.

I keep seeing links to these recipes everywhere.  Most recently on cnn.com, which I found odd because I assumed that the real news story here is the fact that 18,000 + people are going to lose their jobs.  Evidently, making our own fattening creme filled treats is a more pressing issue for most of the American public.  We are the fattest nation in the world, after all.  That fact alone makes the downfall of Hostess so ironic.  But I digress.

I have absolutely no desire to learn how to make homemade Hostess-esque versions of their most popular treats.  I'll admit, I'm not the worlds biggest fan of the Hostess line (with the exception of raspberry Zingers - I'm going to miss the hell out of those things), but even if I had a Twinkie a day habit, I wouldn't want to make my own.  It's not because I'm lazy or a bad baker or impatient, but because the cool thing about junk food goes beyond the taste.

Let's think about this for a second.  Are Twinkies really that delicious?  Are Hostess Cupcakes the best cupcakes you've ever had?  Are Hostess Fruit Pies the pinnacle of pie?  the answer is not really, but we still love them.  And we love them because they are fun.

Think back to elementary school.  There was NOTHING that made a kid the ruler of the lunch table like a Twinkie in their lunch bag.  Talk about trade fodder!  And how good did it feel to reach into your brown bag or lunch box and find a package of Ho-Hos?  Awesome, that's how it felt.  There was just something about those individually wrapped treats that brightened the day.  You could have been packing the worlds greatest cookies, but cookies in a baggie are no match for the factory packaging of Sno Balls.  Factory packaging = bragging rights.  

Hostess snack cakes are for when you have $.60 in your pocket to use in a vending machine you should likely just walk right by and ignore.  They are for the late night or early morning convenience store run that results in a package of cupcakes, a hot dog or a breakfast sandwich that you really shouldn't be eating.  

Making cupcakes at home should result in GOOD cupcakes.  That's all I'm sayin'.

Trust and Body

Portia de Rossi recently wrote a book. It is a memoir called Unbearable Lightness, and in it she discusses her own body image issues and her struggle with anorexia nervosa. 

I would just like to repeat that.  Portia de Rossi discusses her BODY IMAGE ISSUES.  Portia de Rossi.  

For anyone not familiar with Portia de Rossi, she looks like this:

She's adorable, wouldn't you agree?  She's also very interesting and very funny.  She starred in 2 of my favorite TV shows of all time, Arrested Development and Better Off Ted.  She's married to Ellen DeGeneres and is an animal rights activist and is pretty much all around cool.  And she's beautiful.  She's one of those people who is cute in a tshirt, jeans and ponytail, but then is also very classically glamourous when makeup and hair are done for an evening out.  I like her quite a bit.  

I too have body image issues, but I'm a size 22 who's been told by more than one guy that I'm too heavy and/or not good enough for them.  It seems to me like my having body image issues makes more sense.  However, according to Portia de Rossi's book, she began modeling at the age of 12 but was told by someone that her bum was too big.  Who besides a jerk big brother tells a 12 year old something like that?  

Now, I thought for a minute about posting photos of these men that for whom I did not make the cut, but that is just schadenfreude and the whole point of my story here is the beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  One of them got to marry a gymnast so I guess I WAS too fat for him, but whatever.  And frankly, it doesn't matter anymore.  Until my husband who loves me dearly (I do trust THAT, so I'm getting healthier) tells me to drop a few pounds I shouldn't care.  

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

When I learn things about people who fit the classic/stereotypical standard of beauty having body image issues, I'm always surprised.  I mean, you'd think these people have no worries when it comes to their appearance other than someone making an assumption that they are not very smart or some other crap stereotype.  But evidently, most women hate their bodies and have taken drastic measures to change it.  I don't get this, and there has to be a way to change it.  

Of course, we all know that as women we are our own worst enemies.  It's not like Anna Wintour throws a lot of work towards "plus sized" models.  Plus sized models by the way are size 10 and up.  And bless you, Helen Gurley Brown, but talk about mixed messages.  What kind of schizo magazine has articles about loving your body as is then on the next page tips for a flatter stomach in 10 days?  We don't know what to think, and we judge each other.  

And while a case could be made for men being our second worst enemy, it's not the case.  The issue isn't the men, it's the POWER we give the men over us.  Personally, I've given the opinions of men who don't like me WAY too much credence.  I've let rejections stick with me for too long, and I've let the pain of said rejections lead me to self destructive behavior.  I think it is time I'm done with that.  

There are people out there who love me.  They'd love me and be my friend were I simply a head in a jar.  If I'm not their cup of tea physically, it doesn't matter.  I'm well loved by a good man.  I need to focus on how wonderful THAT is rather than wonder why the whole world doesn't see that I can be attractive.  Who cares if men only hold doors for hot chicks and as such I open my own doors all the time?  My husband and I open doors for each other.  I'd rather have that. 

I need to let go of previous pain.  I need to let go and accept the fact that not everyone in the world is going to like me.  I need to remember that everyone has beauty in some form, and the people that I find the most interesting are the ones who can see the beauty in everyone.  If I'm not good enough for superficial people, that's okay.  I'm likely too complicated for them anyway.  

Portia de Rossi taught me that this is not just a fat girl affliction, this body image epidemic.  And if she can rise above it, so can I.  

And Better Off Ted is streaming on Netflix.  If you've never seen it, you need to.