Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Why I will never make my own Hostess anything

Hostess is calling it quits.  Or maybe not, who knows.  Apparently the shutdown is on hold, so we'll see.  I think I'll wait for the official word from Twinkie the Kid.

Regardless of what is in store for the future of the Hostess company, people are finding many ways to cope with the noticeable lack of snack cake goodness.  Some people are hoarding them (seriously, check out a Hostess display at your local grocery/convenience store - it looks like the milk selection after a nor'easter is announced), some are selling them on eBay, and some people are finding recipes on the internet on how to make their own cupcakes or Twinkies or Ho-Hos.

I keep seeing links to these recipes everywhere.  Most recently on cnn.com, which I found odd because I assumed that the real news story here is the fact that 18,000 + people are going to lose their jobs.  Evidently, making our own fattening creme filled treats is a more pressing issue for most of the American public.  We are the fattest nation in the world, after all.  That fact alone makes the downfall of Hostess so ironic.  But I digress.

I have absolutely no desire to learn how to make homemade Hostess-esque versions of their most popular treats.  I'll admit, I'm not the worlds biggest fan of the Hostess line (with the exception of raspberry Zingers - I'm going to miss the hell out of those things), but even if I had a Twinkie a day habit, I wouldn't want to make my own.  It's not because I'm lazy or a bad baker or impatient, but because the cool thing about junk food goes beyond the taste.

Let's think about this for a second.  Are Twinkies really that delicious?  Are Hostess Cupcakes the best cupcakes you've ever had?  Are Hostess Fruit Pies the pinnacle of pie?  the answer is not really, but we still love them.  And we love them because they are fun.

Think back to elementary school.  There was NOTHING that made a kid the ruler of the lunch table like a Twinkie in their lunch bag.  Talk about trade fodder!  And how good did it feel to reach into your brown bag or lunch box and find a package of Ho-Hos?  Awesome, that's how it felt.  There was just something about those individually wrapped treats that brightened the day.  You could have been packing the worlds greatest cookies, but cookies in a baggie are no match for the factory packaging of Sno Balls.  Factory packaging = bragging rights.  

Hostess snack cakes are for when you have $.60 in your pocket to use in a vending machine you should likely just walk right by and ignore.  They are for the late night or early morning convenience store run that results in a package of cupcakes, a hot dog or a breakfast sandwich that you really shouldn't be eating.  

Making cupcakes at home should result in GOOD cupcakes.  That's all I'm sayin'.

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