I went to a wedding last night. It was 2 lovely friends and a lovely affair, but goddamnit do I hate weddings. I'm almost always the fattest girl there, so I always feel conspicuous at the buffet. I also hate dressing up because I can never really find pretty or comfortable clothes. And my friends are all pretty girls who look good in their dresses with their hair done, and I'm like Violet Beauregard who can barely see to put on her makeup so who the hell knows how she looks.
I'll stop here and say yes, I know this was a wedding and no one is looking at or giving a rat's ass about me. I may be big enough to have my own gravitational pull, but I'm not THAT self involved.
It's just that this wedding was just another event where I feel out of place in the world. Honestly, I don't want to wear tons of makeup with my hair elegantly piled on my head. I've never been a pretty girl and as such, haven't had much patience for what goes in to trying to be a pretty girl. I'm the glasses and ponytail girl from all those Disney movies, the nerd. And I like being the nerd. I'm more comfortable in jeans at the movies watching sci-fi. Maybe I'd be more interested in fashion if I hadn't pizza rolled my way out of that scene, but thin doesn't automatically mean pretty, so maybe i'd still have the why bother attitude. Who knows.
Mainly, when I go places where the pretty people are dressed up, I feel like an ogre who isn't good enough for her amazing man. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that people think I went all Anne Francis on him and cast a spell to make him like me. He's amazingly handsome, and I'm.....not. Perhaps I should try harder to look nice, for him. When we're in a room with a bunch of girls who know how to dress and wear makeup and how not to be fat, I feel bad for him that he has to come home with me. Poor guy deserves better, I swear.
So often I feel like a fish out of water in this world. I don't think the social anxiety disorder helps, but I often don't feel comfortable. I wonder sometimes if anyone can see through my layer of blubber to the person who I truly believe is worth knowing, even if she isn't worth photographing.