Why I will never make my own Hostess anything

Hostess is calling it quits.  Or maybe not, who knows.  Apparently the shutdown is on hold, so we'll see.  I think I'll wait for the official word from Twinkie the Kid.

Regardless of what is in store for the future of the Hostess company, people are finding many ways to cope with the noticeable lack of snack cake goodness.  Some people are hoarding them (seriously, check out a Hostess display at your local grocery/convenience store - it looks like the milk selection after a nor'easter is announced), some are selling them on eBay, and some people are finding recipes on the internet on how to make their own cupcakes or Twinkies or Ho-Hos.

I keep seeing links to these recipes everywhere.  Most recently on cnn.com, which I found odd because I assumed that the real news story here is the fact that 18,000 + people are going to lose their jobs.  Evidently, making our own fattening creme filled treats is a more pressing issue for most of the American public.  We are the fattest nation in the world, after all.  That fact alone makes the downfall of Hostess so ironic.  But I digress.

I have absolutely no desire to learn how to make homemade Hostess-esque versions of their most popular treats.  I'll admit, I'm not the worlds biggest fan of the Hostess line (with the exception of raspberry Zingers - I'm going to miss the hell out of those things), but even if I had a Twinkie a day habit, I wouldn't want to make my own.  It's not because I'm lazy or a bad baker or impatient, but because the cool thing about junk food goes beyond the taste.

Let's think about this for a second.  Are Twinkies really that delicious?  Are Hostess Cupcakes the best cupcakes you've ever had?  Are Hostess Fruit Pies the pinnacle of pie?  the answer is not really, but we still love them.  And we love them because they are fun.

Think back to elementary school.  There was NOTHING that made a kid the ruler of the lunch table like a Twinkie in their lunch bag.  Talk about trade fodder!  And how good did it feel to reach into your brown bag or lunch box and find a package of Ho-Hos?  Awesome, that's how it felt.  There was just something about those individually wrapped treats that brightened the day.  You could have been packing the worlds greatest cookies, but cookies in a baggie are no match for the factory packaging of Sno Balls.  Factory packaging = bragging rights.  

Hostess snack cakes are for when you have $.60 in your pocket to use in a vending machine you should likely just walk right by and ignore.  They are for the late night or early morning convenience store run that results in a package of cupcakes, a hot dog or a breakfast sandwich that you really shouldn't be eating.  

Making cupcakes at home should result in GOOD cupcakes.  That's all I'm sayin'.

Trust and Body

Portia de Rossi recently wrote a book. It is a memoir called Unbearable Lightness, and in it she discusses her own body image issues and her struggle with anorexia nervosa. 

I would just like to repeat that.  Portia de Rossi discusses her BODY IMAGE ISSUES.  Portia de Rossi.  

For anyone not familiar with Portia de Rossi, she looks like this:

She's adorable, wouldn't you agree?  She's also very interesting and very funny.  She starred in 2 of my favorite TV shows of all time, Arrested Development and Better Off Ted.  She's married to Ellen DeGeneres and is an animal rights activist and is pretty much all around cool.  And she's beautiful.  She's one of those people who is cute in a tshirt, jeans and ponytail, but then is also very classically glamourous when makeup and hair are done for an evening out.  I like her quite a bit.  

I too have body image issues, but I'm a size 22 who's been told by more than one guy that I'm too heavy and/or not good enough for them.  It seems to me like my having body image issues makes more sense.  However, according to Portia de Rossi's book, she began modeling at the age of 12 but was told by someone that her bum was too big.  Who besides a jerk big brother tells a 12 year old something like that?  

Now, I thought for a minute about posting photos of these men that for whom I did not make the cut, but that is just schadenfreude and the whole point of my story here is the beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  One of them got to marry a gymnast so I guess I WAS too fat for him, but whatever.  And frankly, it doesn't matter anymore.  Until my husband who loves me dearly (I do trust THAT, so I'm getting healthier) tells me to drop a few pounds I shouldn't care.  

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

When I learn things about people who fit the classic/stereotypical standard of beauty having body image issues, I'm always surprised.  I mean, you'd think these people have no worries when it comes to their appearance other than someone making an assumption that they are not very smart or some other crap stereotype.  But evidently, most women hate their bodies and have taken drastic measures to change it.  I don't get this, and there has to be a way to change it.  

Of course, we all know that as women we are our own worst enemies.  It's not like Anna Wintour throws a lot of work towards "plus sized" models.  Plus sized models by the way are size 10 and up.  And bless you, Helen Gurley Brown, but talk about mixed messages.  What kind of schizo magazine has articles about loving your body as is then on the next page tips for a flatter stomach in 10 days?  We don't know what to think, and we judge each other.  

And while a case could be made for men being our second worst enemy, it's not the case.  The issue isn't the men, it's the POWER we give the men over us.  Personally, I've given the opinions of men who don't like me WAY too much credence.  I've let rejections stick with me for too long, and I've let the pain of said rejections lead me to self destructive behavior.  I think it is time I'm done with that.  

There are people out there who love me.  They'd love me and be my friend were I simply a head in a jar.  If I'm not their cup of tea physically, it doesn't matter.  I'm well loved by a good man.  I need to focus on how wonderful THAT is rather than wonder why the whole world doesn't see that I can be attractive.  Who cares if men only hold doors for hot chicks and as such I open my own doors all the time?  My husband and I open doors for each other.  I'd rather have that. 

I need to let go of previous pain.  I need to let go and accept the fact that not everyone in the world is going to like me.  I need to remember that everyone has beauty in some form, and the people that I find the most interesting are the ones who can see the beauty in everyone.  If I'm not good enough for superficial people, that's okay.  I'm likely too complicated for them anyway.  

Portia de Rossi taught me that this is not just a fat girl affliction, this body image epidemic.  And if she can rise above it, so can I.  

And Better Off Ted is streaming on Netflix.  If you've never seen it, you need to.

This Whole Chik Fil A Thing

Here is the deal: Is Chik Fil A yummy? Yes. Do they make fabulous lemonade? Yes. Are the people who work there friendly and competent and nice to you? Yes. Are the closed on Sunday? Yes. Therefore, you can assume some religious affiliation. If you're not into religious affiliation in your business patronage, this should have tipped you off. Do I want to spend money at a business that I know is using religion to justify disliking a group of people that I do like? No. Will I miss the lemonade? Yes. Will I miss it that bad? Not really, there is always the lemonade at Raising Cane's and the Southern Chicken Sandwich at McDonald's.

An Open Letter to Bruce Boxleitner, Part 2

Dear Mr. Boxleitner-



This is the way I blog-I'm a total goofball and as such, TOTALLY un-hireable by TMZ. And it was LOVELY meeting you! I do hope we cross convention paths again sometime.

Yours,

Xan Sprouse

Nothing to say?

So yeah, it's been a while.

It's not that I don't have anything to say, it's that I'm out of practice articulating it. Perhaps I'll get better at that. We'll try sometime when it's NOT 11:30 PM.

An Open Letter to Bruce Boxleitner

Dear Mr. Boxleitner-

I'm certain you don't remember me, but that's fine-you've done a lot of publicity tour stuff recently and you aren't expected to remember every single person who asks a dumb question at a panel. But if you're one of those Marilu Henner types, I was the lady in Toronto who asked you what it's like to have an action figure of yourself, and you gave me a very flirty answer. I was elated.

This shared moment however is not why I'm writing.

I'm writing to let you know that I did my best to fulfill the promise I made to you at the Toronto Fan Expo 2010. You were discussing box office opening weekend grosses, and you said "Please, everyone here, do something for me. Go see this movie twice opening weekend. No, actually, go four times-see it four times opening weekend." We all applauded and made it clear that this was our plan, and we would not fail you. After all, you fight for the users so we can fight for you, right? We all left that room even more impatient for TRON Legacy that we had been going in, most of us plotting how to cram in as many viewings as we could the weekend of December 17th.

Fast forward to December 12th. TRON Legacy is opening in less than a week, and I'm as excited for this as a child is for Christmas morning. I've been quite the TRON geek for many years, but this is obvious-I was at the panel after all. Anyway, it's 5 days until the premiere and I seem to have contracted the plague. Sneezing, coughing, chest aches, all of it. And as the 5 days dwindle to just one, I just keep getting sicker to the point where the day before the midnight showing (for which I pre-ordered tickets) I have a 102 degree fever. I'm weak, I'm shaking, and I'm 24 hours away from the movie event I've been anxiously awaiting since that crooked TR2N test teaser showed up online after ComicCon. I'm not happy.

After a night of fitful sleep, the fever breaks, and I'm back to normal in the morning. It sadly does not last. By mid afternoon the shakes are back, I'm coughing so badly blood vessels are breaking on my face, and my temperature is creeping back up and I can feel the effects of fever. By this point, it is around 3pm Thursday December 17th, and at 12:01 that night I plan to be in a theater fulfilling my promise to you.

Since I have until midnight, I decide to nap until the very last second before I need to leave to get a decent seat. After all, this is IMAX 3D we're talking about here-not the kind of movie you want to see while sitting way off to the side. It's difficult to sleep, and I'm taking my temperature during my wakeful moments only to find that I'm creeping slowly back up to 102 degrees. 102 degrees is what i'm at when I dress to leave for the theater at 10:30.

I was able to get a very good seat, and the wait wasn't much of a big deal-I watched TRON on my iPod while I waited.

While I was able to watch the midnight show, and the fever broke about 2/3 into the movie, I was completely exhausted when it was all over. Exhausted, and in love with an entirely new movie. I'm sure you're aware of this, but TRON Legacy is wonderful. If it does anything but sweep the technical Oscars I will be shocked. And Daft Punk deserves a best original score Oscar for sure.

I went home and slept. I had taken Friday off from work in anticipation of this late night event, so I was able to sleep for a nice long while. I woke up without fever, but still very very ill, but in decent enough shape to hit the theater for the second of the 4 showings I promised to see. The movie was fantastic the second time, so it wasn't all expectations and being swept up in the event of a midnight show-I truly love this movie.

So more sleep and more sickness fill my weekend to the point where I only feel the ability to be mobile once again sometime Sunday afternoon. At which time I decide to go to the movies and watch viewing 3. This time I was down to earth enough that I cried. This is a very touching movie as well. Although I contemplated going back to the ticket booth and buying another ticket for the next show as soon as it was over, I just couldn't. I had to go home and get into bed and stay there.

I tried to keep my promise to you, Mr. Boxleitner, I truly did. I had every intention and desire to keep this promise. However, fever kept me from doing much of anything, and I was only able to see the movie 3 times opening weekend, not the 4 I'd promised. Now, I did bring my husband with me for 2 of the 3 times, so I suppose technically I am responsible for 5 ticket purchases. However, I still feel as though I've let you down. I hope that being the #1 movie in America for the week of opening weekend cushions your disappointment in me for going back on my word. I'm assuming I'll be seeing it again, and I'll buy the DVD-every version Disney can throw at me, I'll purchase. And I'll be buying more toys, and of course I purchased the soundtrack. I'm doing my best to support TRON. I just can't do much with a fever, I'm sorry.

I look forward to seeing you at future comic book and geek culture conventions. My husband is a frequent convention guest, so I attend them often. You're always welcome to join us for dinner. I promise I will be well with thoroughly washed hands.

Thank you for understanding-

Xan

Big Bang=Dead to me

I'm done with the douchebaggery of Big Bang Theory.

This kind of makes me sad, because my tolerance level reached it's limit just in time for Mayim Bialik to be a regular. I love Mayim Bialik.

Anyway, i've always been kind of on the fence about Big Bang Theory because well, I have issues from childhood that make me feel inadequate. I spent many years trying to get the males in my life to consider me a female. I was one of the guys to the point of being genderless. Granted, I wasn't all that into makeup and skirts, so maybe I did bring a little bit of this on myself. But still, I watched boys who had Catalano status in my mind look past me to the girls who were more obvious, but with whom they had nothing in common.

Now, I've always been the type to fall for a mind and the body follows. I'm not saying this is the way everyone should be, but I do think people should keep open minds about what is attractive. Having a "type" with a strict criteria that is never deviated from is never a good thing. Remember, Val once demanded "long blond hair, big green eyes, ass that won't quit and legs that go all the way up", but he married Rhonda, the cute PhD student.

I think Dustin Hoffman tells the best story about this. When speaking about "Tootsie" on the AFI 100 Years of Movies special, he got very serious. He said that when he was being made up to be Dorothy, he told the makeup artists that he wanted to be really pretty. They said no offense, you're a good looking guy, but we can only do so much in making you a woman. He thought about this, and became very ashamed and sad. What upset him was that he thought he made a very interesting woman, and he wondered about all of the interesting women he missed meeting and knowing because he passed them up at parties because they didn't meet is perceived notions of what was acceptably attractive. At this point in his story he stopped talking and smiled, and it was obvious he was trying to keep the tears from coming, and he said "This was not a comedy for me." I of course have about as much respect for a human being as one can have for Dustin Hoffman now because of this. If I ever meet in him in person, I will simply thank him for this story, and try not to hug him.

I first started watching the Big Bang Theory as a Monday night ritual with a very dear friend, so I suppose I will have a soft spot for it for that. But they way the writers slam geek girls on this show is just kind of not cool. Granted, the guys on the show aren't exactly being held up as pillars of society or anything, and I suppose that is the comedy of it. I just don't find it all that funny anymore. We can have a show about how geek guys can be lovable, but geek girls are still freaks. And I know, I've said before, "if I want a show about geek girls, pitch a show!" And that's not necessarily what I want, I just don't want a show that bashes them.

So first season, I let it slide when Leonard said that any woman who would be willing to play laser strip chess wouldn't be someone you want to see naked. And I've never had an issue with Penny. She doesn't have much in common with the guys, but they all get along and enjoy each other because mostly, it's a crew of nice people. She teaches them things, they teach her things, it's fine. And she's cute, but personally I'd be more likely to obsess over someone with whom I shared commonalities other than just being neighbors. But that's just me.

I let the ridiculousness of the Leslie Winkle and Amy Farrah Fowler characters slide too. Not all nerd girls have scientific approaches to social interactions, but I love the actresses who played them that I just let it slide.

But this season, when Stewart the comic shop owner said that his new girlfriend is "terrible" because "when she wants sex she puts on her plus sized wonder woman outfit and says 'who wants to ride my invisible jet'", I was just done tolerating the nerd/geek girl bashing. Oh, how sad for you, Stuart! You met a woman at SDCC who likes what you like and shares your interests! What a tragedy that she doesn't have the stereotypically perfect body! Because you could have your pick of women with your gangly frame flowbie haircut. I don't know how you keep the supermodels from disrupting your business!

This is in no way meant to insult Kevin Sussman, the actor who plays Stuart. But I think most people would agree with me that he's not the kind of guy you'd expect to see in Cosmo's Guy With No Shirt pictorial. He's a perfectly fine looking person, appears to have good hygiene, and according to the imdb he actually did work at a comic shop before he was an actor professionally. So he seems cool enough, and there is nothing wrong with him. I'm only picking on him because the character Stuart looks like him. The character who by the way, preferred a debate with Sheldon over sex with Penny. Just sayin'.

Anyway, I'm sick of this "watch our show about these lovable nerdy geeky boys, but ewww, nerdy geeky girls are freaks and mutants and should never be considered for dating purposes ever!" message that the show seems to have. I'm not saying the show needs to change, I'm just saying I don't like it because of this, so I'm not watching it anymore. It's off the DVR.

To be fair, I'm not a big fan of people in real life thinking they have some right to judge others by looks. While I'll admit to judging people by their hygiene skills, I've never not wanted to know someone or checked someone off a list of possible date candidates due to the fact they they have extra pounds or because they aren't Jude Law clones. And yes, perhaps I don't do this because I know how terrible it is as it has been done to me. I may be heavy, but I'm far from hideous. And let's be honest, if we want to get specific, we can find faults about everyone. You can pick anyone apart and find flaws in everyone's appearance-she has thick ankles, he has a unibrow, she has a hook nose, his back is hairy....this game is never ending.

So all I'm saying is this-stereotyping someone is bad, but shutting someone out of your radar based on the fact that they don't look like a Photoshopped model is almost worse. I'm not saying get the ugly girl to marry you or hook up with someone who you don't find attractive for the cause. I'm just saying keep a broad horizon on what is attractive. That shlubby nerd guy? He might be the best kisser you've ever known. That pleasantly plump girl? Look at her eyes, I'll bet they are beautiful. Does that skinny guy have your favorite movies on his shelf, as well as numerous cds by your favorite band and a sign for your chosen candidate in your yard? Maybe that woman who has the sweet smile but never wears makeup loves the same authors you do. You just never know unless you look with both eyes and look longer than a glance. And yeah, maybe a heavy girl might not look like Lynda Carter in a Wonder Woman costume, but she might be very skilled with that lasso, so hey....